You're currently in a Role-Playing Game campaign that you desperately want out of, for some reason. At least, it seems that way to your fellow players, because you spend most of your time ruining their fun. You are the thorn in your party members' sides, and not in an endearing "villain NPC" sort of way. They not only dislike your character, but they genuinely hate you as a person. The only reason that they continue to play with you is that everybody is too polite to ask you to leave.
I could write an entire article on the things that you should do while playing a tabletop RPG with your friends. I could also write a long rant on the things that you shouldn't do. I have decided to combine them both into a list of 15 simple suggestions for how to alienate your fellow players. By following these suggestions, you should be able to ensure that you will never be invited to play in another game of Dungeons & Dragons, Shadowrun, or any other tabletop RPG ever again.
1. Whine
Whine about everything and anything. Whine that it's too cold in the room, whine that you're hungry. Whine that nobody "understands" your character. Whine that you never get good equipment. Whine that nobody ever does what you want to do. Whine that nobody else in the group likes you, while wondering why.
2. Antagonize other characters
Be a big jerk! Constantly harass and antagonize the other player-characters and NPC. Incessantly pick fights with other PCs and NPCs. Don't just do it occasionally, do it all of the time, every session. Don't let a single session go without trying to bash another PC's head in, or trying to taunt them into attacking you. Irrationally destroy important relationships with key NPCs. Constantly double-cross your party members. Intentionally get them killed whenever possible. Make your character completely, thoroughly annoying and unlikeable. If he would just die, the other party members would be relieved.
Claim that this behavior is justified because you are "in character".
3. Bring personal issues into the game
You really hate one player's girlfriend, who is also in the campaign. This is the perfect opportunity to vent your hatred in an acceptable manner. Make sure that you constantly antagonize her character (see suggestion #2). Say horrible things to her in-character that could easily be translated into direct insults to the person playing that character. Make sure to tell her (in-character to her character, of course) that she is fat and stupid and lazy. Feign innocence when the other players chastise you for this. Make sure that you are completely unhelpful to her in combat. If you are the Cleric, conveniently fail to heal her as necessary. When the other players criticize you for this, blame it on her inability to properly play the game.
Angry at another player (who happens to be your roommate) for some reason? Make sure that this makes it into the game. Be a total jerk to his character. Make sure that you take off when he really needs your help in a fight. Make snide comments all of the time about how his PC never does the dishes after everyone has finished setting up camp. If you are completely unable to deny it/worm your way out of it, claim that it was "just good-natured ribbing".
If you have a social/political agenda, the current campaign is the perfect place to champion it. You have an axe to grind, and not just the one in your character's hand! Bully anyone who tries to politely tell you that perhaps the fanciful realm of Zun'zuban isn't really the place to confront real-world socio-political issues. Name-calling is often effective in such a situation.
4. Harass the other players
Really, why just focus on that one player's girlfriend? That's selfish. You should spread the joy! Take suggestion #3 and apply it to ALL of the other players! You'll be the most popular member of the group.
Make sure that you constantly hit on PCs of the opposite gender, especially if you see that it makes the player playing them uncomfortable. When they protest, accuse them of being up-tight and uncomfortable with their own sexuality. Do things specifically to make the other players uncomfortable (such as kicking kittens). When they tell you to cut it out because the vile things that your character is doing is bothering them, tell them that it's just a game and to grow up.
5. Swear
A small amount of profanity will honestly not bother most people. A lot of people don't care if a profane word slips through your lips on occasion. Some people do get offended, but you're bound to know this if you know them or their friends (see suggestion #6: "Be purposely offensive"). Go above and beyond the call of duty, though: swear constantly. Insist that this is necessary and "in character". Everyone will love you - I promise.
6. Be purposely offensive
This is slightly more specific than simply harassing the other players. Don't claim that "what's offensive to some people isn't offensive to others". That isn't the issue at hand.
You are not stupid. You know what things you say that could upset other players. You know what is socially unacceptable. You know that you shouldn't use certain slurs when a member of your group is of a certain ethnicity or has certain religious beliefs. You also know that projecting said slurs onto fantasy races instead of 'real' ones is pretty transparent. Be a sexist pig, if you can manage (both genders are equally capable of this, I assure you). Make the other players as uncomfortable as possible.
Your current group members may have a higher tolerance for offensiveness or harassment than most people, but everybody has a limit. At some point, you cross it. Being blatantly offensive is not funny. At the least, it's annoying. At the worst, it's infuriating and disgusting.
7. Alternatively, be offended by EVERYTHING
You firmly believe that this fantasy setting is not politically correct enough. This setting is clearly sexist. You can tell that the writer of this RPG was a misogynist/misandrist. You find Halflings offensive because you think that they are making fun of people with disabilities. You find the term "blind fighting" offensive because you think that it's a jab at the visually impaired. You are offended that this setting's cosmology has multiple deities. You are offended because this setting's cosmology contains the WRONG multiple deities. You are offended that this setting contains magic. The villain upsets you because he does REALLY MEAN THINGS! Be sure to interpret the most innocuous and innocent statements as being specifically intended to offend you.
Your vocal insistence that everybody always be nice all of the time, that all potentially politically-incorrect or even vaguely offensive terms are forever banished from the game, that nobody ever role-plays somebody with gender-related emotional issues, and that villains never do mean things, completely sucks the fun out of the game. Not everything in the world (real world or fantasy world) is designed specifically to offend you. Please stop.
8. Refuse to be a team player
Everything is about you - always. Your character is the most awesome character in the world. You don't NEED the other party members. The other party members' characters will never be nearly as awesome as yours, and you make sure that you tell them this on a regular basis. You could kill 20 dragons by sneezing. Seriously, you could.
Take every opportunity to wander away from the group. Refuse to go along with whatever quest interests them at the time. Always insist that everyone do what your character wants to do. Make sure that the entire game has to revolve around you or your character by being completely uncooperative unless it does. If you're a Cleric, NEVER heal your party members. To further refine the lone-wolf approach, see suggestion #9 ("Cheat").
9. Cheat
Cheating is admirable and acceptable. Anything that gives you an "edge" over the other players is a good thing. Team-work is for sissies! Fudge dice rolls and secretly edit your character sheet. Look for loopholes in the rules system. Try to manipulate combat mechanics when the GM is distracted. Make claims about non-existent rules or false claims about existent ones. When all else fails, flat-out lie. After all, nobody wants to spend half an hour digging through an obscure manual (that nobody but you owns, and you conveniently forgot today anyway) when they could just take your word for it and get on with the fight. So that nobody else suspects your dishonesty, be sure to regularly accuse other players of cheating.
10. Nitpick
Nitpick everything and anything. Nitpick the setting, and nitpick any and all details the GM mentions. Nitpick the GM's interpretation of some of the vaguer rules. Nitpick how other players handle themselves in combat. Nitpick the GM's description of a Troll Hunter. Nitpick the GM's judgment call on the DC of a Balance check. Whenever you see an opportunity, just go for it. The only regrets worth caring about, are the ones of things that you didn't do.
Make it clear that none of the other players know how to properly play the game. Give them blow-by-blow accounts of exactly what they did wrong and where after every session. Explain how they are role-playing their characters incorrectly, and what they should actually be doing. Be fair, though - make sure to point out the GM's ineptitude regularly as you pontificate. The other players will appreciate your constructive criticism, and thank you for it later.
11. Argue about everything
See also: Suggestion #10 ("Nitpick").
Never forget that the two most important things about game-play are:
1.That you are always right
2. That you always have your way
It's a well-kept secret that if you bully the GM enough, he or she will let you do whatever you want. Argue about alignment-checks, game mechanics, and setting details. The other players will give in to your yammering just to shut you up. You're fine with this, since they did what you wanted. Whether or not they still like you is irrelevant; you got your way.
12. Interrupt everybody. Constantly.
ESPECIALLY the Game Master. Make sure he or she can never finish a single sentence. Do this with completely unrelated things, if possible (shouting internet memes or simply screaming incoherently also works well). This is best done when the GM is trying to describe an important location or relate an important story detail. Having your character constantly interrupt other characters and NPCs is also effective.
13. Become infuriated when other people play differently
There is a "right" way to play a tabletop RPG and a "wrong" way to play a tabletop RPG, and by gum, you know it! Don't find out ahead of time how the other members of your group handle their role-playing games, and refuse to adhere to their obviously incorrect social mores. Your way is right, and their way is wrong. That's just how it is!
For example, your group members often violate a sacred and unspoken law and break character. Metagaming is your pet peeve and makes you incredibly angry, so make sure you have the mother of all hissy fits when they do this. Of course, you never told them, but your group members are psychic. They should know this. Despite the fact that the other 4 members of your party are fine with Metagaming, make sure that you rant incessantly whenever one of them mis-steps. This will endear you to the group and result in you being invited to future campaigns.
Alternatively, you might insist on Metagaming when the other 4 members of your party are against it and explained this at the beginning of the campaign (it's even in the House Rules!). It upsets them because they don't like in-game discussions of game mechanics getting in the way of the actual game. You don't care about immersion, so why should they? You want to know how many hit points the monster has. Become furious when the GM won't tell you. Whoever wrote the aphorism "When in Rome..." never set foot in Waterdeep anyway.
14. Talk on your cell phone during the game.
You can roll dice and chat at the same time, right? Make sure that you never differentiate between what you are saying in-character and what you are saying to the person on the other end of the line. Chat during important events, such as combat encounters.
Wander out of the room regularly. Not while your character is uninvolved in what is currently going on (such as a different location), though. Make sure that you are in the kitchen when you are up in the combat queue. When somebody finally comes to fetch you, act irritated that they interrupted your phone conversation.
You can also practice casually not paying any attention at all between turns. A laptop with an Internet connection is exceptionally useful for this. Make sure you giggle/guffaw, sneer, and type loudly while the other players are trying to role-play.
15. Take Metagaming to a new level: punch your Game Master.
Hands-down, the fastest way to get kicked out of a game, and the culmination of all of the above suggestions. This is essentially the physical equivalent of your in-game behavior. If you are going to be a social bully, you may as well admit what you are and be a physical one as well.
If you follow these suggestions closely, they will quickly result in the intended effect: getting you tossed out the door. You didn't like those guys anyway, right? You'll just find a better group.
Why doesn't anyone want to play with you?
Rihana runs a website providing free tutorials, icons, and wallpapers at http://www.deathbycute.com
You can also view her personal portfolio at http://www.heavyartilleryrpg.com
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